| "RULES ON HOW TO EAT LIKE A BIRD" By Joanne Joe |
| 1. It is always preferable to eat outside the cage.. Most desirable beeing inside someone else`s cage.. Close runner-up beeing begging from humans eating 2. If confined to cage, pick through offering, fing out everything, or drop it straight down slowly and deliberately... espesially if food is freshly proffered... thereby wasting good grapes, apples, carrots, broccoli, snow pea pods, beets, chili peppers, oranges, etc..... Never mind that there are birds starving in cramped cages under blankets, who only get stale sunflower/safflower seed mix from the 99 cent store on occasion.... 3. If you have exhausted the supply, or grown tired of flinging fresh food, stand inside the seed or pellet dish and either dig out all the contents with hind leg, or turn around, stand on the edge and sweep the contents out with yourr beak... 4. If given a wedge of fresh melon, tear it apart, leave some on your beak... stand straight and shake your head, thereby spraying particles and debris throughout the immediate vicinity. Perhaps some of it will land on the buttons of the remote control, thereby gumming up the "up" or "down" buttons, and perhaps splattering the TV screen or someones clean white T-shirt.... 5. Raspberries and other darkly colored fruits must be held in the feet... When done, insist on climbing all over human... Again, preferable wearing clean white T-shirt.. especially if it is a new T-shirt.. Beak wiping is also mandatory on this item of clothing.... 6. When eating anything involving (Other animal) protein or sugar, make sure to drop bits in places that the human does not see, so that the ants can eat too.... This would be accused of demonstrating compassion for other living things.... 7. When human refuses to share food, do whatever it takes to get to the food.. be it crawl, climb, dangle, hang, swing, jump, tumble, stand straight out from the side of the cage, or fly... Looking pitifully sorrowful is always successful... when you finally get what you think you want, throw it to the ground in disgust... This is the height of the haughty, manipulative behavior you seek to perfect.... 8. Lastly..never allow humans to see you enjoying the things you know they think you should be eating... Eat in secret the sprout and veggies they give you... If you must eat the things you flung to the floor of the cage, make sure they are the ones you havent also pooped on ! NEVER LET THEM SEE YOU EAT! |
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